Vector Sunset

Saturday, April 29, 2006

"Vindicated"
Dashboard confessional

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye

And roped me in
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing
I am captivated

[Chorus]
I am Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along

And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intentions
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so isolated, so motivated
I am certain now that

[Chorus]

So turn
Up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away [3x]
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away [4x]

[Chorus]

Slight hope
It dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption...

What a week. Next week the major appointment holders will be passing down their responsibility. Again, i haf to be the one to take over at such a wrong time. I've heard news tt ill be holding the cadet wing sergeant major appointment. N its all e planning, execution n logistical work. Worse, this appoinment will follow me to Brunei. As a normal cadet, up to Brunei is already a very shag event, plus picking up such major appoinment will equate to having even lesser sleeping time...

My mental is really not ready yet...not a single sense...

My life in ocs have by far been overly painted. N when my platoon mates heard bout the news of having myself taking over the appoinment, they said, '...alvin, i tink of all things being bad n out, u've always been in...'. All kinds of punishments n bad all i take...now another greater power will push lots of responsibility n lots of knockings from my instructors...to Brunei n back to Spore, everything have to be back 100%. Nothin is to be left behind.

Who will ensure such perfect figure? Yes. The cadet wing sergeant major. N the cadet wing commander's job is to, 'alvin, pls help me ensure tt be done...'. WHY HAVEN'T I EVER GOT THE CHANCE TO DO THE SIMPLER JOB ALWAYS?!

Then i resolve someone must just haf to do the job, the dung. If anyone has to die for sinners like u n me, it has to be Jesus. Same principle? I dunno...how to heck it?

Simple. im so bitter with all e events happening thus far in camp n i'm storing too much inside. I wanna burst but there ain't an avenue. the terrible feeling of being stuck inside n fear of not being able to live up to expectations of holding appoinment is utterly maddening...am i asking too much of myself? perhaps...bt i cannot afford making mistakes anymore cos i've really had enuff..therefore, any pinch would 'kill' me inside out..so if there isn't any allowance to make mistakes, i wun learn n its impossible to be perfect..

NO MORE RESTRICTED CADET PRIVILEGES. I WILL NOT SUCCUMB MYSELF TO THE NASTY DAYS AGAIN, NOT ANYMORE. NEVER EVER. NEVER.

So be it. Ill take e responsibility n foresee the drama ahead. Nomore just helping others n killing myself. Its my turn to take it back.

AND, why does the better people got to be out of course when they can obviously make it as an officer? why must he recourse just becos he cannot cross the swinging trainer? i noe its e requirement..but its just tt only one aspect! i've been thinking bout yong xiang...i see him everydae still smiling, but i know his insides when i see him on his bed while the rest of us wear our cadet ranks, uniform n be with the main body....n he is left on the shelves..

WHY DOES THIS LIFE ACCOMODATE ALL THESE TERRIBLE FEELINGS WHILE WE COULD JUST WALK AWAY N LIVE OUR LIVES LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED AT ALL? WHAT IS IT TT IS IN US? HAVE WE FORGOTTEN HOW TO LIVE N FEEL? THEN WHERE ARE YOUR ENCOURAGEMENTS INSTEAD OF DEMANDING HIM OF YOUR EXPECTATIONS? IS IT JUST ANOTHER OFFICER CADET COURSE? IS IT ABOUT JUST PLANNING N MORE, MISSION AFTER MISSION, EXERCISES AFTER EXERCISES???

I'M BITTER ABOUT LOSING YONG XIANG. N i knew his insides when he laid on my bed n let himself out to me. i couldn't stop asking why...bt i am bitter, really bitter.

N...WHAT ON EARTH AM I DOING WITH MYSELF? Everyday i wake up, purpose-less. Nt knowing what i want, following the day's motion. WHAT IS IN THE BREATH THAT I AM BREATHING TO LIVE IN? Why does it feel that it is not me at all? where is the nice n right me? my BMT commando OC is rite about using this word on us-'fan4 jian4'.

God, forgive me. I'm utterly bitter at my core. I know You live, but it seems i'm losing it...

Sundays haf lost it's effect.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO POUR MY LOVE ON YOU?