Friday, May 05, 2006

Mama shared that her collegue was involved in a fatal accident while riding his bike for work that very day. He died on the spot, leaving his beloved single mum behind for good. When i heard bout it, i wondered if i ever would be in e similar same spot. e mum had no longer any financial support n was in lack to even fund a funeral n burial. my hrt softened n silenced for a quick while...

In e past, jia used to discourage me bt gave me the appropriate support becos i wanted my class 2B so badly so i wld haf a source of transportation when im in army. N friends discourage e whole idea becos they were concerned its generally dangerous.

What is life w/o all these looking forward to-s and taking a lil risk when young? anyway, with a character like mine, how cld i stay put w/o some considerable safe interest? Afterall, shubert is still riding his bike n doin fine..

But wad is life when i finally lose it?

I feared for a moment, n decided i shld let my passion die for bikes. I cannot bear my mum n dad n my younger bro to tear their eyes out n bleed in their hearts losing me. Turning 21 this very year, this young boy had better learn to think n mature to being a fine young man. It's not about him anymore, the family becomes important.

I kept dad n mum in e dark while i took biking last year. i din't pass the traffic police, bt somehow wanted to recourse n try again. I've spent 20 years in my life havin my parents worried about me-my being, my shelter, my health, my survival, my studies, my future education, my finances, my life...n importantly, all these times two cos they cared so much for my brudder as well...

Till date, they do not know my past doing. I wanna do smth i call my own. Bt i had selfish ambition. I had my whole family on my mind when doing so, bt placed little emphasis. How cld i bear their pain, n their hate for me leaving them behind if i do get involved in an accident? n losing a younger brother whom i loved dearly?

Perhaps, i'm thinking too much, cos there r many bikers who are still safe n sound. Maybe...bt i wld rather not having no tots bout it at all..

Next up. I'm totally stuck. Was wondering wad kind of life i wanna be in for the year to come. After commissioning, its gonna be either unit, instructional or staff officer. Staff is out, down with instructional or unit. If i choose to be an instructor back at BMTC, i shall not cheong as much or as mad. If unit, i just might as well give all out n perform accordingly to battle a place for guardsmen.

Point is, i'm kinda sick wif wad im doing. When i see e passion tt da hav, i see my past.

So where's mine?

N i remembered my parents. I want them to be proud of me just like my bro...i wanna bring honour to the house especially when my parents are talking to their friends about their sons. Da made it, now it's my turn. will i be living in a shadow tt i cast unto myself? who am i living n making decisions for? i want my loved ones proud...bt i may not live up to it..where then shld i belong?

I'm so lost. I dun wan my men havin an incompetent platoon commander who doesn't believe in all these stuff, a lack of passion, n a almost dying spirit. They need someone inspiring, to motivate, to look at, to take comfort in n to be loyal to. So if such PC dun exist, i might as well make myself more useful as an instructor back at BMTC n haf some time to myself cos i juz might like myself instructing more than leading a pack of men to fight. if unit life tt is, i muz first believe in picking up my arms n fight..to be a warrior, fearless..ruthless..sounds exaggerating n movie like rite? yea, perhaps so...bt if i haven't gotten to believe in fighting n killing,then i might as well shutup. wad wld my men think?

I need to choose n make a right decision. If unit life, i had better find my right motivation soon. A leader who cannot see his vision is one who will lead his men blindly. n if i wanna be somebody, i need to strive for a place in Guards. Being guardsmen will mean more commitment n strength to be an elite. The costs are clear. It's my choice. My officers think i can make it, but i haven't resolve i could. cos everything are so screwed up..

I remembered somewhere in e bible where it mentioned the churches were challenged not to be lukewarm..either be hot or cold...being half is more than being stuck, its screwed up. So is the heart. If i'm only half interested in e stuff i do, i will surely screw e whole thing up. Now alvin, make ur choice n live up to it.

I wanna be competent, bt afraid of wads before me. I'm not weak entirely, bt the mind is not strong. So much for wanting to be a risk-taker...so where's e gut? No guts to fight for a place in guards? perhaps...i dun wan a life tt i'd not want to live in..e one year plus, i wanna make a difference, nt put some differences to set me in..

Lord, show me your way. Pave my route. Im so desperate n short sighted.. I cannot uphold responsibility when i'm not ready for the power. Every level of leadership calls for great commitment...i do not work for men alone, but to you...i need a clear calling to where i shld be, not a heart tt is lukewarm in e life i live for you...let me know e decisions i make are safe in you..i cannot possibly be waking on my own..God, it feels so lonely inside..i haf many friends n buddies everywhere..if my heart cannot be satisfied, it gotta be u..i feel like a child, bt i cannot be anymore bothered with wad others gotta sae..cos u are e ultimate end..

And, i shld juz take away e front. I am NOT ok in everyway. i am NOT fine. i dunno wads wrong, bt i am not feelilng rite with all that's ard me..e last time my r/s kinda failed was becos i cannot express myself accordingly..if i speak, ill kill..bt how come i always gotta be e bad guy in order to get things going n done? manz..if i seriously gotta open my mouth, think ill just lash e ppl dead. Pastor Henry shared over the pulpit tt dae-if u cant speak anything positive, don't.

how to stand it when they juz sit n wait for things to happen when i gotta work my ass out to save them frm trouble..n to b nice, i still need to smile n take it as if it was my fault..i dun care if they appreciate e work, bt they gotta at least get their ass moving n stop dragging it..can't help but say this-the world is really so damn cruel n men are so really selfish. come to think of it, why shld i cover up for them while i expose myself to all e pressing issues n suffering frm e fires? havin to explain myself for the things undone is exactly e motherhood answer for shouldering the burdens alone. so i might juz as well dun explain n carry it silently..cos no matter how hard i try, i stumble on my own words..end of e dae, all i cld do is bow my head low, admitting it was my fault, apologise n get rejected, shouldering e pain to bed silently n telling myself tmr will be a better dae..

wads exactly wrong with me?

no wonder jeremy is askin why i'm so quiet recently cos everyone n everywhere is messed up..i was spendin e time tryin to be clear headed. i must be composed. i mus overcome it somehow. E Lord will not grant anything over more than wad i could bear..

i gotta get a grip over myself. gotta be strong. gotta be clear. gotta be alert. gotta be firm. gotta speak up. gotta be tougher. gotta fight on. gotta press on. gotta endure more. gotta hang on. gotta move on. gotta stand up. gotta let go. gotta forgive myself. gotta try again. gotta rise up. gotta find my spirit. gotta ask God. gotta seek. gotta find. gotta lead. gotta excel. gotta overcome.

gotta believe there's a lder in me.

Set my sail. whack Brunei. be perfect. back one piece. 100% clearance of stores. make a difference. prove them wrong.

i can, n i will.

only i can play my mind. nt e other way rd. if i will to fight, then fight i will.

Let's see wad comes out of it, when i'm back to Singapore.

be missing you...

Bring it on
|